The Daily Plunge

Soccer is to sports as boycotting Arizona is to politics. All of the sudden, lots of people are ignorantly jumping on those respective bandwagons simply because they’ve been told it’s hip and cosmopolitan to do so.

What is soccer, really, but Barbie foosball on grass?

The nation is inexplicably caught up in both World Cup and Boycott Arizona fever. Even citizens in our extreme northern regions, who are normally high on hockey, are packing bars and making official statements about Arizona’s immigration law. They may not know exactly where Arizona is or what a yellow card represents, they just know it’s cool to watch the World Cup and call Arizona a racist, fascist state.

Just today I picked up a six-pack of delicious Sunshine Wheat beer and the proprietor asked me if my purchase was made in preparation for today’s World Cup games. I mumbled something about foosball and got the hell out of there. Sometimes I feel like Will Smith in I Am Legend.

This is simply another sign of the coming Apocalypse, but it also shows how the nation’s education system has betrayed entire generations. Busily teaching multi-cultural sensitivity and relativism, rather than logic and the three Rs, our schools are churning out hyper-ecumenical adults who don’t even know what ecumenical means, much less that soccer sucks or how to read words printed on a piece of legislation.

There really are true soccer fans in the U.S., but most are of the faux-fan persuasion. With all due respect, the true fans are certainly misguided, but it must be frustrating to have been infected with this disorder for years and years only to find their abnormal world suddenly populated with legions of USA/gooooooaaaaal-chanting know-nothings.