Plunging Towards Gomorrah
Mascots
Representing Representatives
May 26th
If you've never seen Guy Smiley just imagine Tom Brokaw, but only funnier and more honest.
Here at The Daily Plunge I’ve had a lot of fun with mascots. A recent CBS poll says that 7 out of 10 Americans are dissatisfied with our politicians in Washington. It’s easy to pick on politicians. They do it to themselves. No one represents American politicians better than Guy Smiley. Here’s a guy that never says anything important and is in love with himself. The sad part is Guy Smiley is a fictional creation and the current occupant of the White House is only slightly more qualified to be President… emphasis on slightly.
Guy Smiley knows his job is important and he knows he’s the best. Every successfully politician is in love with themselves. It’s a prerequisite for the position. When Guy Smiley introduces himself he goes all the way.
Thank you. This is Guy Smiley, American’s favorite game show host.
The only thing missing is Hail to the Chief. Below I’ve attached a video from a classic Sesame Street skit “What’s My Job?” Hidden in this video around the 3:04 mark in a gem for the ages.
Guy Smiley: His important job is like mine, only he doesn’t do it as well.
Contestant: Is he the President of the United States?
Guy Smiley: Ah, close but you all guessed wrong.
The answer Guy Smiley was looking for was Sonny Friendly, but I think the contestant’s answer is actually better. Maybe it’s just the economy, but I’m hoping Americans start taking their politicians a bit more seriously. If we don’t, we’ll continue to be represented by a legion of morons who are less appealing than Guy Smiley.
Santa Claus and the Democratic Party
Mar 18th
It’s been awhile since I’ve written about party mascots here at The Daily Plunge. With support for ObamaCare well over 40% it means one thing: the average Democratic voter has lost touch with reality. They believe so strongly in the idea of health care that they’re willing to accept anything the State gives them. It’s odd that the party of liberal condescension would fall so hard for such an intellectually shallow thing as partisan loyalty.
The symbol for the Democratic Party shouldn’t be a Donkey. To be fair, it’s insulting to Donkeys. At least a Donkey is real animal. The Democrats want to believe in imaginary worlds. A world where man isn’t flawed. A world where we live in a Utopian state. In other words, it’s not a rational world. The Democrats love to cite the Canadian health care system; the same health care system that forces many of its citizens to come to the United States for adequate health care.
It’s not really the Canadian system progressives admire, it’s further North than that. It’s in the mythical world of the North Pole. You see the Democrats believe in Santa Claus State. Except the reality is that the State doesn’t give us anything, but instead takes everything we have. The intellectual giants on the left have listened to Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believin’” too many times. Now they’ve held onto that feeling. They can’t tell you why they’re in favor of ObamaCare. No rational person can, but it’s feels right. That’s why Santa Claus is the perfect mascot for the Democratic Party.
In many ways Santa Claus is the Anti-Uncle Sam. Uncle Sam “wants you.” In other words he wants you to get up off your ass and do something. Uncle Sam is skinny and angry. Santa Claus is fat, he only works one day a year, and he only wants you to “be good.” No wonder the man is so jolly. In other words you don’t have to do a damn thing and Santa Claus will give you something. Sounds like a fair deal. Don’t bother the Democrats with the details on how this is implausible; it just “feels right.”
The New Face of Extreme Environmentalism
Sep 6th
Extreme Environmentalism (EE) is an art form. Chaining yourself to bulldozer or a tree is an act of defiance and diligence that most Americans fail to appreciate. The EE movement needs a new face that encapsulates the perfect Earth friendly lifestyle. I am always looking out for new mascots for groups, and I have found one again, Osama Bin Laden.
Think about it, EE is about living off the land, not taking more than you need. Bin Laden lives in a cave, need I say more? EE is against the industries of the Earth raping West. Al Qaeda is against the West as well, and have went so far as terrorizing and killing thousands. Now that is the type of defiance members of EE can appreciate. Bin Laden has perfected the nomad gypsy life. He doesn’t need Wal-Mart. He doesn’t need Starbucks. These things are just arms of the great corporate Satan that is the United States. As the leading economy, the United States is mostly to blame for Global Warming. The cavedweller in chief is already on the Climate Change bandwagon. In a 2002 letter to the American people he wrote the following passage.
You have destroyed nature with your industrial waste and gases more than any other nation in history. Despite this, you refuse to sign the Kyoto agreement so that you can secure the profit of your greedy companies and industries.
That quote might as well be from Al Gore or John Edwards. However, there’s one stark difference, Gore and Edwards are not willing to act against the greatest threat to mankind since the last greatest threat to mankind (insert paranoid end times hypothesis here). Bin Laden has taken the lead in trying to crippble the industries of America. While Lefties have tried to do it with terrible economic policies, Al Qaeda has a more direct approach. It is for these reasons that Osama Bin Laden should be the new mascot for Extreme Environmentalism. The only way to save life on Earth is to kill all life on earth.
The Cowardly Lion Fury
Jan 31st
The Democrats are not the only party in need of a new mascot. It’s the twenty first century, it’s time for a new kind of icon that depicts who the Republicans really are these days. It has to be something that appears strong, but retreats quickly. There can only be one choice, the Cowardly Lion from the Wizard of Oz. Think about it, Republicans promised tons of reforms when coming to power in 1992 and delivered close to zilch. The Elephants talked a good game on term limits, school choice, Social Security reform, and smaller government, but instead we got huge spending, Homeland Security, and no apparent answer for illegal immigration.
Then there’s the Lion King himself, George W Bush. The mightily lion roared loudly after 9/11 and then got bogged into a political conflict in Iraq. By trying to appease everyone, he appeased no one. Fear of causalities meant not enough troops. Not enough troops meant chaos all over Iraq. Chaos has now led to a nightmare where the President has lost so much credibility the United States cannot do anything about Iran, North Korea , and Syria. It’s gotten to the point where there’s more support by France’s leadership for the continued occupation of Iraq than by most of the Left in the United States. Now the United States has to wait for the next 9/11 type attack before there’s a enough political cooperation to deal with the threats abroad. The Cowardly Lion seems scary at first, but once you get to know him you realize it’s just a lot of hot air (not global warming).
What, Me Worry?
Jan 30th
A few months ago I posted some new fresh mascot ideas for Democrat party. Much fun was had by all but I’m not out of ideas. I expect these suggestions to keep coming so mascots is now an officially category here at The Daily Plunge. Let’s talk about Telly Monster. Here’s a guy that is afraid of change, paranoid, and prone to manic behavior. That sounds just about like Al Gore except Telly doesn’t grow a beard after personal struggles. The world is a scary place. We all have every reason to be worried and paranoid. Halliburton owns the White House. The War on Terror is a never ending conflict perpetrated on exploited middle-easterners for oil. Christians still insist on believing in the Bible. Worst of all, the world faces the greatest challenge in the history of mankind with the threat of Global Warming.
Telly puts a face on the fear each of us has about our bleak and hopeless future. He’s enlightened, while others insist he should be more optimistic, Telly understands the complex and frightening future that awaits unless the government does something about it. The best part is that Telly is likable. Despite the gloomy worldview, he likes to hop around on a pogo stick and play the triangle. Frankly it’s impossible not to love someone who does that. Telly represents the masses. People that need protection, people that need government protection, people like Telly, people like the Democrat party. The great patriots that have “he’s not my president” bumper stickers. Does it get any better than telling your fellow citizens that citizenship is void unless there’s a Democrat is in the White House? Indeed it does not. For part-time Americans everywhere, Telly Monster is the answer.
Count Von Count: Another Democrat Mascot Possibility
Aug 29th
Last week I suggested that the Democrat Party change their mascot from its traditional Donkey to the Kool-Aid Pitcher Person. While I think it’s a great idea, there are always alternatives. I am determined to find the Democrat Party a new mascot. During the 2000 Presidential election fiasco the Democrats became the voice of recounts. They were all about counting every single Democrat vote. It didn’t even matter who had the most votes. More people wanted to vote for Al Gore and they were disenfranchised.
In 2004, Senator John Kerry faced a similar travesty in Ohio. Kerry lost by a narrow 150,000 votes and contemplated recounting the entire state. He still thinks the election was stolen. Keep in mind there has been proven widespread voter fraud in Wisconsin during both elections, each time Bush lost by a very narrow margin. One of the unsaid rules of politics is that voter fraud only applies to Republicans. In the state of Washington, it is perfectly fine for felons and dead people to vote illegally, as long as they vote for Democrats. This is why Sesame Street’s the Count von Count would be a great mascot. Not only does he love to count and recount, but he’s also technically a Vampire. Finally, the undead would find the representation they have been voting for all along. Besides Al Gore is there anyone on the planet that would be more excited about recounting all the votes in Florida. The Count is always ready for vote counting. The fangs and stuff could be considered extreme but the Democrat Party is all about inclusion and on a subconscious level, Liberals see the US Government as a way to suck us dry.
The Democrats Need a New Mascot
Aug 22nd
The time has come for the Democratic Party to update its image. 2006 is an election year and the party has little to offer in policy ideas. Unless blaming Bush for everything bad in the world, and not being a Republican is a policy idea. I think they should get rid of the tired Donkey they have adopted as a mascot. Perhaps this was a good idea at some point, but it is just not culturally relevant today. The hip thing to do these days is to go retro. Creating a new mascot out of thin air would be too troubling, that is why I believe they should adopt the Kool-Aid “Pitcher Man”.
Pitcher Man rises above partisan politics. His goal is the same as it is for Democrats; he is “for the children.” He is also red, which will make the socialist wing of the party happy. Just put a hammer and a sickle in his hands and Pitcher Man is the perfect combatant for the proletariat. Another cool coincidence is that Kool-Aid starts with the letter “K” just like Karl Marx. Pitcher Man is ready to “speak truth to the power” aka the bourgeoisie. Everyone loves the Pitcher Man; however, he could no longer keep that name. Once adopted as the official mascot Pitcher Man would have to change his name to Pitcher Person. There is no sense in alienating voters with such a gender exclusive name. Pitcher Person is bigger than gender and race. Just because Kool-Aid is bad for your health should not prevent the Party from going forward with this idea. In fact, this should be part of the Party’s new slogan, “polices that look delicious, but are bad for your health.” Most people will ignore the second half of the slogan because they are so excited about the first part. It’s really brilliant strategy as far as I’m concerned.
