Mother Earth bears an uncanny resemblance to multi-media star and political seer Janeane Garofalo.
Mother Earth is a real bitch. According to some of the more “spiritual” among us, the earthquake and resulting tsunami in Japan were the result of Mother Earth’s anger at human beings in general and Japanese whalers in particular.
When Mother Earth punishes people for their sins against the planet She tends to lash out at everyone but the actual perpetrators. In this latest case, while She may have been angry at whalers, it was other random citizens who paid the price for the whalers’ whaling. But they were Japanese, so close enough I suppose.
Here’s a list of some of Mother Earth’s greatest hits. With most of Her temper tantrums it’s difficult to discern why, exactly, She was pissed. But pissed She was, and all sorts of species paid for Her wrath at whatever She was pissed off about at the time…
250 Million B.C.: Giant volcanic eruption causes the Permian Extinction. Mother Earth apparently pissed at creatures that will later become fossil fuels. Unwittingly creates fossil fuels that will lead to temper tantrums in the 20th and 21st Centuries.
28 Million B.C.: The La Garita Caldera in what is now southwestern Colorado was supposedly the largest volcanic eruption ever. The object of Mother Earth’s wrath this time around is not known.
2.1 Million B.C.: Yellowstone supervolcano eruption causes swath of destruction across middle America. Mother Earth anticipates large collection of gun-toting religious red staters and launches a preemptive strike that turns out to be premature.
75,000 B.C.: The Toba Caldera in present day Sumatra unleashed a hellish winter for at least two years. Apparently, Mother Earth likes to cool things off after a superheated flash of red hot anger. This was actually the result of a spat between Mother Earth and Father Time.
1687: A magnitude 8.5 quake rocks Lima, Peru, destroying much of the city. This area of South America is one of Mother Earth’s favorite places to unleash Her wrath since people there had the audacity to build cities.
1815: The volcanic eruption in Tambora, Indonesia is the largest one in the past 200 years. Mother Earth, for whatever reason, has never been a big fan of this region of the world.
1958: The largest known tsunami wave at 1,720 feet tall hit Litya Bay, Alaska. There are only two things you need to know about Mother Earth’s reasoning here: Alaska and Sarah Palin. Case closed.
I know I’m supposed to love Citizen Kane, but I enjoy the concept of someone stealing Huggies as a major plot line more than I do the symbolism of a sled.
Alas, Club Soda is not rising from the ashes so much as bubbling to the top. Nevertheless, I’m happy to offer my high and low five movies as an antidote or companion (depending on your perspective) to The Deacon’s interesting and entertaining list:
High Five
1. Raiders of the Lost Ark: “You and I are very much alike… I am but a shadowy reflection of you.” It’s not Citizen Kane, but Citizen Kane was boring.
2. Raising Arizona: “You’re young and you got your health. What do you want with a job?” It’s not Citizen Kane, but Citizen Kane didn’t crack me up.
3. Jaws: “You got city hands Mr. Hooper; been countin’ money all your life.” It’s not Citizen Kane, but Citizen Kane wasn’t a mechanical shark causing mayhem on a Hollywood set. Seriously though, this was all about Brody, Hooper and Quint, the best movie trio ever. FYI… The actress who played Chrissy Watkins, the shark’s first victim, was a “mermaid” at Weeki Wachee Springs waterpark in Weeki Wachee, Fla.
4. Ratatouille: “You provide the food, I’ll provide the perspective, which would go nicely with a bottle of Cheval Blanc 1947.” I realize this is a kid’s movie, but my kids don’t care for Citizen Kane. One of the great things about having kids is finding artistic gems like this; every frame is perfect. On the other hand, it’s a double-edged sword. Shark Tale anyone?
5. Singin’ in the Rain: “What do they think I am? Dumb or somethin’? Why, I make more money than – than – than Calvin Coolidge! Put together!” A musical? Seriously? There are very few musicals I like, and this is the best of the bunch. The entire film is pitch-perfect. Citizen Kane, on the other hand, left me a bit flat.
Low Five
1. Avatar: “You fly now, with me! My brothers! Sisters! And we will show the Sky People… that they cannot take whatever they want! And that this… this is our land!” I didn’t even see this movie and I hate it with a burning passion. Shut up already, James Cameron!
Update: I finally saw Avatar, and give it a 5.5 out of 10. It was a good movie, but could have been much better had it not been bogged down with James Cameron’s over the top “save the earth” propaganda. Through this movie, Cameron floats the old argument of the “noble savage,” who was far more peaceful than the white man who supplanted him. Cameron fails to realize that the “noble savage” was just as ruthless, decadent and warlike. Cameron denies human nature and the fact that this nature is universal. Anyway, he harmed his film with the heavy-handed message. What could have been a sci-fi classic will be known only as a fantastic exercise in CGI. Therefore, Avatar moves to the middle of the pack. So, here’s my new Low Five Number 1…
1. The Happening: This film, if I can even call it that, may have represented the beginning of the end of M. Night Shyamalan’s career. Shyamalan is the anti-Spielberg. Spielberg’s films, generally speaking, got progressively better. Shyamalan’s films have gotten progressively worse. Not only that, each effort is exponentially worse than the previous one. He makes one good movie – The Sixth Sense – and then proceeds to beat subsequent audiences (me) to death with nonsensical, boring and pretentious ones.
2. Titanic: “I’ll never let go, Jack. I promise.” I was searching for a barf bag in the movie theater when I suffered through this one. I had to settle for a half-empty popcorn bag. What really sent me over the edge was when James Cameron asked the assembled crew of pompous asses at the Academy Awards for a moment of silence in remembrance of the Titanic. Shut up already, James Cameron!
3. Smokey and the Bandit 2: “When you give birth to a 200 pound elephant, you no wanna go for a ride, you wanna go WHOOP!” When I first saw this movie I was ready to engage in another classic, mindless Burt Reynolds vehicle, like Hooper, and of course the first Smokey and the Bandit. However, when you’re 12 years old and you understand that you’re watching a cinematic train wreck, it sticks with you.
4. Citizen Kane: “Rosebud.” If you’re sophisticated you’re supposed to love this movie and speak of it in hushed tones, kind of like one should about splatters on canvas at the modern art museum. My rule of thumbs is: If it sucks, it sucks.
5. Star Wars, Revenge of the Sith: “So this is how liberty dies… with thunderous applause.” No. This is how any respect I may have had for George Lucas dies… with thunderous sighs. I gave up counting how many times I sighed in this movie. In fact, I didn’t care for any of the prequels, or whatever the hell they were, for more reasons than I count. However, primary among those reasons was the casting of Anakin Skywalker, from precocious child to brooding young adult to budding Darth Vader.
The more I sit here and write about my cinematic highs and lows the more movies start surfacing in my mind. Great ones like Doctor Strangelove. Horrible ones like Highlander 2. Hilarious ones like Caddy Shack. Bittersweet ones like Terms of Endearment. Manly-man revenge-is-sweet ones like Open Range.
Girly-girl boy-meets-girl-everyone-hates-boy-boy-wins-girl ones like Say Anything. Rags-to-riches-to-rags ones like The Jerk. Sweaty ones like Cool Hand Luke. Epics like Gone with the Wind… Perhaps I’ll save all that for a future post. For now, Good Night, and Good Luck.
I saw the movie Avatar back in December. From a visual standpoint the movie was amazing. It was definitely worth seeing at the theater in 3D; however, over time I expect the film to be forgotten. Why is that? Well, the story is completely unoriginal. One could even say that Avatar is Pocahontas in space. Vimeo has taken the trailers from Pocahontas and Avatar and mashed them together. The end result is amazing.
Inevitably there’s going to be a sequel to Avatar and I’m looking forward to it. It should push James Cameron to come up with something memorable.
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