I know I’m supposed to love Citizen Kane, but I enjoy the concept of someone stealing Huggies as a major plot line more than I do the symbolism of a sled.

Alas, Club Soda is not rising from the ashes so much as bubbling to the top. Nevertheless, I’m happy to offer my high and low five movies as an antidote or companion (depending on your perspective) to The Deacon’s interesting and entertaining list:

High Five

1. Raiders of the Lost Ark: “You and I are very much alike… I am but a shadowy reflection of you.” It’s not Citizen Kane, but Citizen Kane was boring.

2. Raising Arizona: “You’re young and you got your health. What do you want with a job?” It’s not Citizen Kane, but Citizen Kane didn’t crack me up.

3. Jaws: “You got city hands Mr. Hooper; been countin’ money all your life.” It’s not Citizen Kane, but Citizen Kane wasn’t a mechanical shark causing mayhem on a Hollywood set. Seriously though, this was all about Brody, Hooper and Quint, the best movie trio ever. FYI… The actress who played Chrissy Watkins, the shark’s first victim, was a “mermaid” at Weeki Wachee Springs waterpark in Weeki Wachee, Fla.

4. Ratatouille: “You provide the food, I’ll provide the perspective, which would go nicely with a bottle of Cheval Blanc 1947.” I realize this is a kid’s movie, but my kids don’t care for Citizen Kane. One of the great things about having kids is finding artistic gems like this; every frame is perfect. On the other hand, it’s a double-edged sword. Shark Tale anyone?

5. Singin’ in the Rain: “What do they think I am? Dumb or somethin’? Why, I make more money than – than – than Calvin Coolidge! Put together!” A musical? Seriously? There are very few musicals I like, and this is the best of the bunch. The entire film is pitch-perfect. Citizen Kane, on the other hand, left me a bit flat.

Low Five

1. Avatar: “You fly now, with me! My brothers! Sisters! And we will show the Sky People… that they cannot take whatever they want! And that this… this is our land!” I didn’t even see this movie and I hate it with a burning passion. Shut up already, James Cameron!

Update: I finally saw Avatar, and give it a 5.5 out of 10. It was a good movie, but could have been much better had it not been bogged down with James Cameron’s over the top “save the earth” propaganda. Through this movie, Cameron floats the old argument of the “noble savage,” who was far more peaceful than the white man who supplanted him. Cameron fails to realize that the “noble savage” was just as ruthless, decadent and warlike. Cameron denies human nature and the fact that this nature is universal. Anyway, he harmed his film with the heavy-handed message. What could have been a sci-fi classic will be known only as a fantastic exercise in CGI. Therefore, Avatar moves to the middle of the pack. So, here’s my new Low Five Number 1…

1. The Happening: This film, if I can even call it that, may have represented the beginning of the end of M. Night Shyamalan’s career. Shyamalan is the anti-Spielberg. Spielberg’s films, generally speaking, got progressively better. Shyamalan’s films have gotten progressively worse. Not only that, each effort is exponentially worse than the previous one. He makes one good movie – The Sixth Sense – and then proceeds to beat subsequent audiences (me) to death with nonsensical, boring and pretentious ones.

2. Titanic: “I’ll never let go, Jack. I promise.” I was searching for a barf bag in the movie theater when I suffered through this one. I had to settle for a half-empty popcorn bag. What really sent me over the edge was when James Cameron asked the assembled crew of pompous asses at the Academy Awards for a moment of silence in remembrance of the Titanic. Shut up already, James Cameron!

3. Smokey and the Bandit 2: “When you give birth to a 200 pound elephant, you no wanna go for a ride, you wanna go WHOOP!” When I first saw this movie I was ready to engage in another classic, mindless Burt Reynolds vehicle, like Hooper, and of course the first Smokey and the Bandit. However, when you’re 12 years old and you understand that you’re watching a cinematic train wreck, it sticks with you.

4. Citizen Kane: “Rosebud.” If you’re sophisticated you’re supposed to love this movie and speak of it in hushed tones, kind of like one should about splatters on canvas at the modern art museum. My rule of thumbs is: If it sucks, it sucks.

5. Star Wars, Revenge of the Sith: “So this is how liberty dies… with thunderous applause.” No. This is how any respect I may have had for George Lucas dies… with thunderous sighs. I gave up counting how many times I sighed in this movie. In fact, I didn’t care for any of the prequels, or whatever the hell they were, for more reasons than I count. However, primary among those reasons was the casting of Anakin Skywalker, from precocious child to brooding young adult to budding Darth Vader.

The more I sit here and write about my cinematic highs and lows the more movies start surfacing in my mind. Great ones like Doctor Strangelove. Horrible ones like Highlander 2. Hilarious ones like Caddy Shack. Bittersweet ones like Terms of Endearment. Manly-man revenge-is-sweet ones like Open Range.
Girly-girl boy-meets-girl-everyone-hates-boy-boy-wins-girl ones like Say Anything. Rags-to-riches-to-rags ones like The Jerk. Sweaty ones like Cool Hand Luke. Epics like Gone with the Wind… Perhaps I’ll save all that for a future post. For now, Good Night, and Good Luck.

Please take a moment of silence to remember those who can form an intelligent argument.

Scumbag News: I’m not sure how I missed this yesterday when I was talking about James Cameron’s Avatar. Wow, Cameron is a jackass. After calling the theory of Global Warming the greatest threat to the United States since World War II he challenged deniers to a “debate.” At the very last minute Cameron backed out. You have to love cowards like Cameron. The day he avoids debate he calls climate change skeptics swine.

James Cameron doesn’t mince words when talking about people who are skeptical that humans are causing global warming. “I think they’re swine,” the renowned filmmaker told an audience member Sunday on the final day of the American Renewable Energy Day summit in Aspen.

Just before saying that, Cameron received a standing ovation for a short documentary he screened about a coalition of people he joined who are opposed to a massive hydropower project in Brazil that would displace a large tribal community there. It was during a series of talks Sunday about the strong effect the right-wing punditry — Cameron named the regulars: Glenn Beck, Sean Hannity and Rush Limbaugh, who are known for their sharp attacks on environmentalists — has on Americans.

It’s obvious all these brain-dead liberals read from the same playbook. Avoid debate, call the opposition names, and then cite Beck, Hannity and Limbaugh. This might work in the bizzaro world of MSNBCland, but it makes people like James Cameron appear to be out-of-touch wackos. As talk-show host Dennis Prager puts it: “Some of us worry about a resurgent Islam and its attendant complications for a decayed Western civilization; some of us worry about global warming. In twenty years’ time, one of us will be proved right and the other will look like an idiot.”

The Alternative: The Democrats are facing a bloodbath at the polls in November and the strong possibility that the next Speaker of the House will be John Boehner. Boehner gave a speech today demanding that President Obama fire his economic advisers. Yay… that will surely change the direction of the current economy. I’m sorry; this type of purely political drivel doesn’t do anything to reassure me that Republicans have a clue.

What ideas does Boehner have to offer? The short answer is nothing. Supposedly the House Republicans will release some kind of agenda in late September. Instead of Speaker Boehner I like the sound of Speaker Ryan. You know, someone with some good ideas.

Florida Primary: Today is primary day here in the Sunshine State. Governor Crist isn’t on the ballot today, but it appears Democratic Senatorial candidate Kendrick B. Meek is going to win the nomination. This should kill Crist’s chances. Crist can only win the election if he siphons tons of votes from the Democratic candidate. That’s not likely to happen with Meek. I was going to skip this election, but there are a couple of local ballot initiatives that I need to vote against.

What Handouts to Cut: Economist Walter Williams wrote an article a couple of weeks ago that I failed to mention. He offers a sobering look at our current entitlement mess. The only way we can get out from under the enormous debt burden is to change social security.

We can start getting the federal spending under control by ending subsidies to people with high net worth that can be ready turned into cash such as a home or business. While seniors might say that they support reduced government spending, they, like other handout recipients, believe they have a right, through government, to live at the expense of others. What’s more, they have considerable clout — they vote in large numbers. Only 50 percent of young people vote, but up to 70 percent of seniors vote.

Recently I ran into this “entitlement mentality” in my own family. A person who probably votes Republican had no problem telling everyone who would listen, “Obama is going raise my retirement age.” Oh, whoa is me! People just can’t wait to ride the gravy train. Social Security is the biggest ponzi scheme ever perpetrated on the American public. Man it sucks to be on the bottom of the pyramid.

Inevitably there’s going to be a sequel to Avatar and I’m looking forward to it. It should push James Cameron to come up with something memorable.